thing never last

basically. tiap tiap orang pengen egonya dipenuhi. tapi mostly, orang yang menuhin ego sendiri dianggep orang lain egois.
sometimes, kita butuh menuhi ego kita sendiri and stop worrying people.

egois itu hal hal yang berujung pada kesenengan sendiri dan kesengsaraan orang lain. absolutely.
tapi bukankah hidup itu ga ada yang seratus persen? kan ada waktunya kita sengsara dan ada waktunya kita seneng juga. nah menuhin ego disini ini waktunya kita seneng.
nanti juga ada saatnya kok orang lain bakal seneng juga. suffer never last.

jadi saya ga setuju sama statement kalo menuhin ego sendiri itu egois. kesannya emang jahat bgt sih ngebiarin orang lain menderita sementara kita ketawa. tapi yang terpenting kan kita ga ketawa diatas penderitaan orang lain. (apa bedanya?)

beda. ketawa diatas penderitaan org lain itu lebih ke hal hal yang mendukung penderitaan mereka. sedangkan ngebiarin org lain menderita itu karena kita juga punya hak utk bahagia dan ketawa. (jadi org lain ga punya hak gitu?) bukan-bukan. of course they have. tapi belom kebagian waktunya aja.
kalo Tuhan lagi ngasih waktunya seneng buat kita, ya dinikmati aja lah. tapi kalo Tuhan ngasih kita sengsara, ya kita juga gaboleh ngeluh, mungkin itu waktunya orang lain yang seneng. thing never last.

tapi jarang, orang yang lagi seneng ga pamer dan lagi sengsara ga ngeluh.
intinya, egois itu perlu. tapi jangan kebanyakan, nanti gendut. kalo gendut, susah ngurusin lagi.

, dad

i love you dad, no matter how lot we argue or how over you act to protect me. no matter how bad the day i spent with your silence. no matter how hard my heart beats when i was starting to enter the door through 9 pm. no matter how bad your selfish decision. no matter how hard you warn me not to hang out when i really want to. no matter how bleeding i am inside cause you ignore me. no matter how long i hold on from not making a conversation with you because me too afraid staring at your eyes. no matter how down me showing my bad score to you. no matter how much tears that fall down successfully from my eyes for every time i remember you.

beside all of that, you're my number one hero. you're my biggest motivator. you're my strongest man that i've ever met. i couldn't find any other words to explain how much i need you to spend the rest of my life with. you beat me down, but you make me strong dad. we both know we never really know each other. but we also both know we really love each other. thanks for everything, you mean a lot to me. and in everything i hurt you, i'do anything for you can forgive me. you love me, i know that. i really know that. but your act hides that.

let me make you feel the luckiest daddy in the world for having daughter like me. someday, let me sketch the biggest proud smile on your face for my succeed. someday, i will. i'd do.

i love you, dad.

pemenang itu

pemenang itu gaperna berhenti. pemenang itu jalan terus, kalo capek, ya jalan pelan-pelan, tapi pasti. yang jelas nggak berhenti. pemenang itu berprinsip lebih baik jalan lambat tapi pasti daripada jalan cepat tapi banyak berhenti. pemenang itu sesekali noleh ke belakang dan lanjut jalan lagi. bukan noleh ke belakang, tertarik, keasikan, berhenti, dan malah stuck disitu. pemenang itu bikin jalan baru, bukan lewat jalan yang sudah ada. pemenang itu..

(isi sendiri ya, kalian yang calon-calon pemenang:)))

someday

all stories, struggle, sorrow, pain, sacrifices, tears, sadness, being replaced, being blamed, desperate, down, tears, tears, tears, and work hard pray hard, are just the beginning. of all.

Allah knows. Allah listens. He doesn't ignore. He walks with me.

no succeed that doesn't need sacrifices. no glory that doesn't need struggle. no victory that doesn't need work hard. success doesn't come to me. i do.

simpan dulu semua payahku. akan saya ceritakan nanti setelah sukses.

people will change the way they look at me. we'll see! i will make them gawk for me. yes, someday.

victory, i will pick you up.

panas dingin

perang dingin itu ga baik. bener bener ga baik. jangan ditiru. ya pokoknya jangan sampe lah. tapi ya gada yg kepengen perang dingin juga sih. namanya aja dingin, datengnya ya dingin juga, ga ketebak, meski gada yg minta. nah kalo udah terlanjur terjadi, yaudah panasin aja. dingin kudu dikasi panas biar bisa normal. tapi bukannya kalo lagi perang, terus dipanasin malah nyulut emosi? iya. tapi ini beda. perang dingin itu butuh panas biar bisa cepet selesai. kalo sama sama dinginnya, gabakal bisa ketemu jalan keluar. salah satunya kudu panas, setidaknya, dengan sedikit menyulut emosi, timbul percakapan, omongan. yah, setidaknya udah gak dingin lagi kan. nah kalo udah gak dingin, sekarang namanya bukan perang dingin lagi, tapi perang panas.

habis dingin terbitlah panas (?)

perang panas ini juga bahaya kalo dua duanya sama sama panas. sama sama kesulut emosi bisa bikin ricuh. kondisi otak lagi panas jadi gabisa mikir dan bawaannya emosi terus, marah terus. ini juga susah berakhirnya kalo ga didinginin. jadi salah satunya kudu bisa dingin. panas kudu dikasi dingin biar normal. kalo sama sama panas ya gabakal bisa selesai. kalo ada yang mendinginkan suasana, setidaknya ademan dikit. emosi mereda, konflik pun berkurang.

tapi kook, perang dingin disuruh manasin. nah giliran perang panas disuruh dinginin. gimana coba jadinya

ya emang gitu sih. dingin butuh panas. panas butuh dingin. kadang butuh sesuatu yg lain biar bisa nyelesaiin sesuatu, meski itu lawannya sekalipun.

yang gendut yang kuat!

kalo di uts, makin kuat otak murid, sesusah apapun soalnya juga pasti bisa selesai semua. sama kayak pemain bola. semakin kuat fisiknya, bisa tahan lama maen sampe berpuluh-puluh menit. sama kayak atlit lari, semakin kuat fisiknya, bisa lari sampe berkilo-kilometer. sama kayak atlit angkat besi, makin kuat makin bisa ngangkat beban berkilo-kilo. sama kayak tegangan listrik. makin banyak dayanya, ya makin kuat juga nampung volt listrik. sama kayak batterei hp. kalo battereinya kuat, ya tahan aja meski dipake banyak aplikasi yg nyala bareng berjam-jam.

Allah ngasi porsi cobaan ke mahlukNya juga sama kayak begitu. yang kuat yang bertahan yang menang. tapi, porsi kuatnya seseorang beda beda. tapi tenang aja, Allah itu ibarat kalkulator yang paling canggih paling akurat buat nentuin porsi mahlukNya sesuai kuatnya mereka.

ibarat makanan, tiap orang beda-beda porsinya. semakin gendut ya perutnya kuat nampung banyak. simpelnya, aku gendut kok, perutku kuat nampung banyak makanan!

i hope somebody read this

jangan ngaku kompak kalo masih ga ngerti arti kompak itu apa.
jangan mengatasnamakan solidaritas kalo ga ngerti arti solidaritas.
jangan ngaku solid kalo masih teriak orang lain ga solid.

kompak itu bukan menyamakan perbedaan, tapi melengkapi perbedaan.

salah besar kalo anda bilang orang lain ga kompak dan egois karna beda pendapat sama anda. sekarang kalo mikirnya dibalik, siapa yg sebenernya egois dengan tidak bisa menerima pendapat orang lain? dan mana yg lebih egois daripada teriak orang lain ga kompak hanya gara-gara anda ga puas sama pendapat orang tsb?

sebelum teriak orang lain ga kompak dan egois, berkaca dulu. kompak itu ga saling teriak ga kompak. kompak itu ga saling teriak satu sama lain egois. kompak itu menerima pendapat yang beda. kompak itu bersatu karna beda, bukan bersatu karna sama. kalo yang beda dijadikan sama, bukan kompak tapi maksa. kalo yang beda bisa bersatu, itu baru kompak.

renungkan.

mourn

life is a mystery box. a box with million secrets.
and one of those secrets is death.

Allah, if my time's coming, i hope that i'm ready to face You. i wonder, what it feels when facing with You. but one day, i'll get the answer on myself.

for beloved friend, son, and brother that has left us this morning, hope Allah gives the best place for you in His side boy. i don't know you, but it doesn't mean i don't care. smanda is mourning. but always love you. have a nice sleep boy.

finally i reach my final limit of my patient against you.

ha ha

hello september and all people who thanks to God for His pleasure still giving us breath and chance to open our eyes and see the most colorful and wonderful place that we've ever seen, earth.

i am on the last grade of school. last year. all i want to do right now is just play play play play play and play with all my friends, enjoy the life that Allah has given, make some crazy stories, get drunk and have a lot of fun. and alllllll another moments that have to be filled in the last year of school. yeah you know school not coming twice in our life just do all the things that you can only do when you're still in school zone.

i hate school for some reasons. but also love and miss it when i am not in school anymore. just like you. i hate you for many many many reasons. but i don't know how can i fall into your gravity so deep and just miss you when you're not stand near to me anymore. what is it called, if love and hate compare as one unity? so what should be true? i hate you? or i love you?

oh the second is the damned wrong answer.

but the first is also incorrect answer.

kyah!

rani nya bingung mau ngomong apa. rani nya lagi banyak pikiran. eh, pikiran cuma satu sih, tapi bercabang. rani nya pengen makan, tapi takut gendut. kata orang gapapa bangga aja jadi diri sendiri. nah rani bangga kok jadi gendut. but sometimes, orang gendut mana sih yang gak pengen kurus?

dear you, a man who sits 8 meters from me, you just drive me insane. kyah!

....

Love is when i am angry with him and forgive him at same time -De Buron, Maria Jaclyn.

sleep

holiday passed so quickly. but it also long time, 3 weeks of semester break. heaven on earth.. school briefly then off again for 2 weeks holiday of lebaran. that so long times if i walk around my housing in the morning might bring my weight down 10kg more. haha especially everyday for jogging could well shrink until 20kg. hahahaha. delusional-_-

holiday's problem that has not been lost, insomnia. sleepless. well, my turn to sleep during the holiday right through 11 p.m. that was still brought up today. until tonight. wanna get some sleep anymore. but the more i try to sleep, is the more i can't sleep. and the more i try to turn my eyes off, i am increasingly literate. *smirk. fine then, i've heard from unknown people, that the time when you want to sleep, is when you don't want to. absolutely that's right. when i again don't want to sleep anymore, just want to turn the tv on and i am in the middle of amazing movies, eighty percents i even fell asleep in the going-on movie. that's funny how your brain immediately goes fizzle and slower and your eyes increasingly narrowed when James Bond was fire fighting on the top of the train or Dominic Toretto was on the super high speed across the crowd road with almost all the cops after him. really funny. my brain is not in sync with my mind. worse, when my eyes still wide open, my brain still works properly and doesn't seem to show any signs of fatigue, no interesting movie. there's nothing more good than comedy tv shows in the middle of night. *sigh.

wanna sleep. oh if so the statement above is true, i don't wanna get sleep. wanna watch tv until midnight. with a mind hoping that i will fall asleep soon.

Eid Mubarok Day

happy eid mubarok day 1434 H

mistakes are ours.

perfection is only Allah's.

The Great Allah who gives me more times more faith and breathe to join ramadhan this year and close it with eid mubarok. greet and meet with all folks and family from place to place. eat every kind of food from place to place. get more money from folks and neighbors. play and have fun with brothers and sisters from distant family. this is the gift from Allah. nothing sacrifice that doesn't make a reward. it's worth it. i never have the words to say except my great thankful for the chance that Allah has already given to me. to my family. to us.

with all respect and not lost from my faith, i apologize to you all the people in the world for my mistakes. in this right time and good chance, we all reborn. new life. new faith. and new story. will begin from now.

penerbang

lulus sma mau kemana?

itu pertanyaan yg harus ada jawabannya tapi ga nemu-nemu sampe sekarang. cita-cita banyak. buat jadi pesulap, magician, penyihir, pernah. jadi penyanyi, rockstar, gitaris hebat, guru, chef, pernah. jadi hacker juga pernah. jadi progammer, dosen, atlit bulu tangkis pernah. jadi pemain sepak bola juga pernah.
tapi waktu udah sma ini cita-citanya udah ga aneh-aneh lagi. lulus sma pengen kuliah. nah bingung lagi, jurusan apa?
sempet pengen informatika, sastra inggris, hi, teknik penerbangan, dan yg terakhir kemaren ini elektro. tapiiii gara-gara deden dia cerita pengen jadi pilot, aku juga ngiler btw.

keinget film Stealth, itu ada pilotnya cewek, enak bisa nerbangin pesawat tempur sendiri, bisa nyetir pesawat sendiri, kereeeeen, bisa meliuk-liuk di udara. but, it's a movie. movie will just drive you insane. yeah, life is never as simple as movie did.

sebelumnya aku ngiler karna putri pengen masuk teknik penerbangan. itu bukan jadi pilotnya, tapi lebih tepat teknisinya, belajar mesinnya. tapi kook, kayaknya jadi penerbang jauh lebih keren ya?

tapi ya itu tadi. sekolahnya berat, habis itu kalo misal udah jadi pilot belom tentu juga bakal direkrut sama perusahaan dirgantara/maskapai penerbangan, soalnya kebanyakan kan cowok. jarang buanget ada pilot wanita di Indonesia, bisa diitung jari mungkin. aku baca kisahnya pilot wanita hebat di Indonesia yg udah lulus dapet sim terbang, simnya nganggur 8 tahun gara-gara ga dibutuhkan. wth.

masa cowok tok yg boleh nerbangin pesawat? aku pengen loh ciyus. ini bukan terbang kayak naik pesawat komersiil lion air sby-jkt bukan-_- rasanya itu kayaknya beda kalo naik pesawat tempur, apalagi nyetir sendiri. wuuuu. tapi ya itu tadi.

pokoknya aku pengen terbang. yaaa kalo bisa nerbangin pesawat sendiri. atau ya paling nggak diajak terbang kayak scenenya evelyn sama danny di film Pearl Harbor yg pas ngeliat sunset dari atas langit sambil meliuk-liuk di udara. subhanallah.

happy fasting!
selamat berpuasa! :DDD

not a sarcasm

kapan hari itu yg tentang irreplaceable itu, kalo ada orang baca pasti mikirnya aneh-aneh. well sekarang itu kayaknya don't judge a book by its cover udah diganti jadi don't judge person by his socnet. kadang orang baca tweet orang lain, langsung judge. baru baca bio, langsung judge. well, mendeskripsikan seseorang itu gabisa hanya dg 160 karakter. mendeskripsikan orang juga gabisa cuma dari tulisan di blognya.

kemaren itu, cara berpikir yg keras. biasanya buat orang-orang yg lagi desperate. kalo pun kita fine-fine aja, ga lagi depressed and feeling so good, belom tentu orang lain begitu kan. yeah, beberapa postingan di blog ini emang rada menjurus ke hal yg begitu. coba kita di posisi orang-orang yg demikian, gimana cara berpikir kita. karna orang yg baik-baik aja biasanya gabisa ngerasain orang yg ga lagi baik-baik aja.

intinya gimana ya? bingung ngejelasinnya. gini, misal aku lagi desperate, depressed berat. being left, replaced, annoyed, cheated, dan segala hal yg bikin suffer. bukan hal asing dan aneh lagi kalo aku sampe nulis sarkasme, dan nulis realita tentang hidup yg berat, susah, dan bahkan hidup gamau berpihak ke aku. nah, buat orang yg hidupnya baik-baik aja, pasti aku udah dianggap nyimpang, salah jalan, sesat, dan gak bener. well, mereka kan ga ngerasain dan ga ada di posisi ini, jadi mereka bisa bilang begitu.

so, kalo ada orang yg tweetnya sarkasme, depressed, dan ngerasa terdzalimi sama orang lain, jangan jadi sok suci dan sok gak akan berbuat hal yg sama, kamu cuma belom ngerasain ada di posisi itu.

best graduation speech ever

kemaren nonton eclipse di tv, ya sebenernya gaperna merhatiin filmnya bgt sih, tapi pas bagian pidatonya Jessica, itu gatau kenapa kebaca di mata, kecerna di otak, dan ngena bgt. ngena sengena ngenanya.

"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were things like astronaut, president, or in my case, a princess. When we were ten, they asked again. We answered rockstar, cowboy, or in my case, a gold medalist. But now that we've grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this, "Who the hell knows?" This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions, this is the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love. A lot. Major in philosophy because there is no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind and change it again, because nothing's permanent. So make as many mistakes as you can. That way, someday when they ask what we wanna be, we won't have to guess. We'll know."―Jessica's graduation speech.

that. is. the. best. gra. du. a. tion. speech. i've. e. ver. heard!

irreplaceable

istilah 'tak tergantikan' itu masih ada gak sih? irreplaceable? still exist? what about new person, new life, and new story? yup. totally replaceable.

i miss the old. i know life is going on, but i just stand here and watch him go, disappear. life has changed, i know, but seems i hate this changing. most. you know why? because i am replaceable. well, of what? of life ofcourse. i think he leaves me. 

no offense.
oiya kalo si hidup mikir, 'loh apanya yang tergantikan? perasaan biasa aja. perasaan ga ada apa-apa.' itu perasaan si hidup (eh emang hidup punya perasaan?), bukan perasaanku. 

but linkin park's song remains me, "when life leaves us blind, love keeps us kind, it keeps us kind" ―The Messenger. but, love also leaves me.

nice.

a

i am robot. no feel. no pain. no mercy. transform as i wanna do.

and i won't care at all especially human fuckin' suck business!

ILYMMMMMMTYEEI!

mati

yaAllah, umur manusia emang gada yg tau ya. kapan kita bakal pulang ke Allah juga ga bakal bisa disangka. tau-tau dapet kabar temen meninggal. innalillahi wainna ilaihi rojiun.

yaAllah tempatkanlah dia di tempat terbaik di sisiMu beserta seluruh amal ibadahnya.

oh ya, meninggal itu ada yg bilang gausa dipikirin. tapi ada yg bilang, kematian itu kudu dipikirin, biar ga hanya mikirin duniawi terus.

if i may say, death is something we need to learn. but no need to fear about. well, kita semua punya hutang mati sama Allah. dan hutang itu mau gamau, susah seneng, wajib dibayar.

mati itu perlu diinget kok, ya sekedar buat pelajaran aja. keep of remaining ourselves about the last place ever we belong to. biar ngingetin kita juga, we are mortal.

yeah, when the time comes, we should pay what we must pay. death.

passion. parents.

if you've promised yourself to reach your dreams as high as the sky, whatever how struggle, obstacle, failure, or how much sacrifices that you've got, you will not stop. you will fight for your dreams, no matter how hard the conditions are. because it's your passion.
but there is one thing, that really strong, and it has the power to break your own promise. parents.
maybe you can just defeat all obstacles that stand in front of you. but parents are the only obstacle that personally i can't.

why?

because they are parents. wait, no, because they are my parents.

but psychological study taught me that if we want succeed, just follow our passion. because if we follow what others say about us, that's not who we are. we will find who the real we are if we find what we are not. that's why i fight for my passion. i will survive.
but then my parents show up.

Allah knows. He listens. He doesn't ignore. let He shows me the best way.

thriller..

yeah, i often dreamed about people around me who changed being a bad person, then his face was transformed being creepy and scary. then all of them was looking for me, and wanted to kill me. at that time i just wanted to run, but i could not. i tried to move my feet, step by step, but it felt so heavy. then i scared, so scared because no one of them who helped me, or tried to take me keep running. no one. then i found one person, i forgot who is he, i forgot his name. but when he saved me, took me to the safe place to hide, finally he transformed too. then i ran again, even i could not. my body felt like it was tied so tightly till i could not ran anymore. i could not move. and he was getting closer to me, closer, closer, and he got me!

then i woke up.

last last last last last last night i had a bad dream, terrible, and thriller. again and again.

it was at my school, and there would be an event. i was there with others. i forgot how was the detail, but absolutely they wanted to kill me. they? yes. pimen, laras, rizal, anik, i forgot the others, and there was the big one, the fat one, he is male, who saved me and covered me from others's attacked. ah that was so thriller. even laras, my desk mate, my best friend, and she wanted to kill me too. so everyone had a stick, maybe it's 15cm, thin, and at the edge is taper. they used that stick to kill me, by sticking that stick on my skin, like an injection, then i will die. so i ran as fast as i can, defeat them one by one, tried to avoid them as i can, tried to move. and some people tried to help me, like pimen and rizal, at first i thought that they were not danger. they didn't want to kill me, yeah, they were so kind of me. but then i realized that they pretended to do that things to me in order that they could approach me and killed me easily. i realized when rizal quietly moved his hand and issued the stick secretly without my detection. suddenly he spoke loudly to pimen, "NOW!" at that time i realized that they wanted to kill me too.

ah that story never had happy ending for me. i often dreamed about such dreams. terrible and thriller. i don't know why always be me who chased and attacked  by others. but i never get the ending. i forgot how was the ending. i just shocked, woke up from my sleep, and realized that all just in my dream.

but, what about if that will really happen to me?

shine like a sun

i stare at you, because there is a phenomenon happening on you. you know what? you shine your bright like a sun. but i can't stare at the sun, i know it will blind my eyes. but you don't. i stare at you for almost every time and my eyes still function well.

how can be like that?

i do not know. it can't explained with any theory or definition. you are indescribable. all i know is just you shine like a sun, but you are more than just a sun. you definitely the most perfect ones in the world, even i know nothing is perfect. but you are. you are perfect on your own way.

when everything is dark, or when others are fade, you are the only one who still spread your bright. you are the only one who keep remaining yourself of smile, even it's just to cover what you're feelin inside. you are the only one who will fight for yourself. even it's hurt, it's pain, or you were bleeding inside, you will fight. all you're gonna to do is just keep strong and survive, then you will win. you are the only one who cover yourself with a fiery spirit. then you seem like on fire. you are so gorgeous. the greatest God's creature. the most perfect ones. the favorite ones. who's not gonna looking on you? you are the most striking ones.

you shine your bright like a sun...

but wait, who are you that i mean? or what kind of man are you? well, i'm gonna look for the answer,

take a mirror quickly, look yourself at the mirror, and see who is staring at you right now? have you find the answer?

pensi

18 mei kemaren itu pensi.

oh ya, gaboleh cepet puas. karna pujian itu menyenangkan, kita kudu siap nyerap yang ga menyenangkan juga. ini pensi taun terakhir di osis-mpk dan pensi yang sangat berkesan. dari pihak panitia cuma bisa bilang terima kasih banyak buat semua pihak yang turut partisipasi. semua ini karna Allah.
thanks guest star. thanks smanda. thanks mc. thanks osis-mpk. thanks Mr.Sulaiman. thanks semuanya. you're great! you're cool! it's worth it with what's left behind us. struggle. sacrifices. failure. and yesterday was the gift from God. we will never succeed without Allah.

btw, saya cinta bulan mei. karna itu bulan yang Allah anugerahkan buat saya lahir di bumi ini. bulan yang Allah berikan buat ibu saya pengobanan setengah mati buat ngeluarin saya dari perutnya. bulan ulang tahunnya Surabaya. dan bulannya pensi di smanda :33

but, if there is the word 'love', there is 'hate' too. yeah, i hate may. you know why? because of...

ahsudahlaaah.

16 years at may 16th

i know i maybe be the youngest student in the class. it's always be me, from elementary till senior high school. but idc, even i am 97 while the others are 96 or 95, even i am 16 while the others are 17 or 18, i love my self who the way i am. i love my parents who have been 16 years caring for and raising me with patient and full of love.

i have many wishes, but i won't mention one by one. Allah knows, and He listens me. i just wanna make my parents proud of me, of what i did, and i just wanna see them smile. it's enough.

God, give me more times, to prove to my parents, to make them proud. give me more times, to join ramadhan this year. and give them more times, to see me succeed.

thanks God for keep loving me in 16 years. thanks my parents. thanks for all the people who cared for me, who make me smile, who love me, thanks friends. you're the reason i smile.

oh ya, happy birthday Surabaya! i know it's too soon to celebrate it. but idc, we're born at the same month. and you're my beloved city, the city i was born in. hope we will be better and better. Allah bless us.

once again, if i die before i wake, tell my parents God i love them.

strong

being strong is easy actually. the hard part is when people think that you are a strong man..
when you are down, you are messed, or you are broken, and people still think that you are fine, you are good, because you are strong.

that's the hard ones.

you know, strong man never really being strong. actually, the strongest ones it can be the weakest at all..
we never know.
when you cry, you think that you are weak. but when you can't cry, you should think it again, because people who can't cry is actually the weakest at all.
so if that statement is true, i would like to cry everyday, every time i want, every second i have, and everywhere. you know why?

because i am strong.

sensitive

not sensitive is not good. gak peka itu gak baik.
tapi kalo too much sensitive, further is not good.
then how is the good ones?

sensitive is needed. but not over. not too much. and not to not at all.
yeah, just so so.

orang yang cuek dan tidak berperasaan dan gak peka sama sekali itu menjengkelkan. tapi kalo orang terlalu peka dan sensitif itu juga ga kalah ngeselin..

over sensitive being aggressive
not sensitive being possessive

so, between aggressive and possessive, what's the good ones?

nothing. nothing's better than choose one from that choices. combine it. we need both of aggressive and possessive. 

yeah, but some people prefer feeling over sensitive. yeah, it's okay. that's a choice. but better think it first well.

when He come for me..

people die everyday.
someday, i will die.

when He come for me, i surrender. nothing can stop Him. nothing. no one.
when He come for me, am i ready?
when He come for me, does He take me softly? or hardly, till i am bleeding, and agony.
when He come for me, does it hurt? does it pain? how it feels?
when He come for me, what it's like? seeing the world for the last time, looking at my parents, my family, my friends, all of them, who i love, do they cry? do they lost me? do they care about me? do they feel me? actually, when i died, i'm omnipresent. in their sides, in their hearts, and always will be. but do they feel my present? or they will forget me?
when He come for me, can i ask for little minutes again to be with them, to hug them, one by one, and say goodbye, forever..

when You come for me God, and if i have not had time to say sorry and thanks to the people who cared for me, please, tell them, whisper in their hearts, show them in their dreams, how much i love them and how happy i was when with them.

God, i love them.
take care of them, protect them, when i have nothing else beside them.

and for all the people who cared,

i hope it's worth it what's left behind me
i know you'll find your own way when i am not with you
so tell everybody the ones who walk beside me
i hope you'll find your own way when i am not with you tonight -Fiction, Avenged Sevenfold

the random life lessons of the day

no people can be trusted. from all the things and many reasons to trust someone, you will just come back to look yourself. you are the reason to be trusted. you trust yourself. and nothing's more the best than trusting ourselves. oh wait, there is still more perfect ones, is that trust God, trust to Allah.

englishnya kacau. intinya, manusia gada yang bisa dipercaya.

sekalipun keluarga terdekat ataupun sahabat terbaikmu, mereka juga tetep manusia. dan pada hakikatnya manusia emang gada yg bisa dipercaya. so, balik lagi, percaya diri sendiri. 

btw, here i wanna ask you,

what's wrong with us?

do you feel the same? but if you don't, maybe the wrong ones is me, not us.

and for the last,

do you know what is eccedentesiast?

that's what you do is not what you feel. seems like you don't wanna show what you're feeling inside. even it's pain, hurt, or you were bleeding inside, you will never show.

yeah, people don't really care about us, or about what we did behind them.

if there is still a reason for you to smile outside, just do it while you can still smile.

imagine, what if you can no longer smile both inside and outside?

apasih

i'm afraid of losing you, someday.
even i am certainly sure, if i am gonna lose you, someday.
yeah, this is life. we're always gonna lose someone.

but promise me, that this statement is true, "no matter how hard, how far, and how bad the situations and conditions are, if someone who has lost from you is belong to you, his destination to come back is just you."

then promise me you will come back to me, and for me.

but, here i wanna ask you,

who are you?

because i didn't mean to someone in that statement is you, that you've already guessed before. not always to you the word 'you' is mean for.

do

more

than

what

others

usually

do.

that's it

hidup itu mesti sabar. yeaah, but normal person has the limit of his time to be patient right? seems like i want to break the limit, till it's done. and no more limit has left. biar sabarku ga ada batasnya. habisnya, lama kelamaan bersabar itu gaenak juga. tapi kata Allah disuruh bersabar sih.

tapi kapan hari itu baca tweetnya deden, sabar itu gak ada batasnya. cuman manusia yg membatasi. sesungguhnya jika kita membatasi sabar, kita termasuk belum bisa sabar.

that's such a great statement. really.
jadi, bisa dibilang sih aku belum termasuk orang yang sabar. susah buat sabar. dan tweetnya deden tadi yg nyadarin aku secara ga langsung. yeah, meski saya bukan manusia yg bisa bersabar, setidaknya saya udah jadi manusia yg sadar akan arti kesabaran.

that's it.

top secret story

sssssh, calm down your voice, promise me, you'll never tell this to anyone.
i have a secret, this is really really secret. how secret is it? it's top secret. like i have to kill you after i told you this.
you ready? wait, wait.
check your room, is there any other person? if yes, let him go away from you now. if no, check it again, just make sure if there is no person except you who will be listen to my secret.

why i call it as a secret? because nobody knows about this news. no one knows. even president, even CIA or FBI, they don't know. it's just me.

well, here we go..

i know something about this earth. i mean, this phenomenon is happening in our earth. and it's terrible.. really terrible. well, i am not sure you're ready to hear that. but, promise me you'll never feel afraid. promise me you'll never get mad to me after i told you this. because maybe you can't sleep after hear my secret. you won't eat, even take a bath. no, you won't do something. i am afraid if you're doing so.
no, no.

so, i ask you once again,
are you really ready to hear about my secret? are you sure you will still do your activities like usual after you hear my secret? are you sure if you won't feel afraid? are you sure if you will still get some eats? just to make you sure it. because i don't want to be someone who will be punished of causes-someone-crazy. no i don't.

okay i continue it. this phenomenon makes everyone can't see the sun. so the world becomes so dark. really dark and scary. no sun. no bright. no shine. it just dark.

okay i stop it. i think you look so scared. but i have to continue my story. this is the last part, promise me not to feel afraid.

this phenomenon is happening once in a day, and it's happening everyday. where the sun is slow down disappeared, and it's replaced by the moon. yes, this phenomenon is called "night".

mariooooooooooooooooooo:33333333

kemarin itu hari sabtu, iya semua orang tau itu
kemarin itu grand finalnya idola cilik 2013, bagas vs difa.
oke yg itu gapenting.

kemaren itu saya berasa balik ke masa-masa 3 taun yg lalu.
kemaren itu rio muncul di tv.

well, Rio.
iya, Mario Stevano Aditya Haling. buat yg gatau, search google aja.

kemaren itu, pertama kali ngeliat rio lagi setelah 3 taun sama sekali ga liat dia.
tingginya nambah drastis, gingsulnya tetep, ketawanya tetep, manisnya tetep, tetep pake gelang rante di tangan kanannya, dan jam tangan di tangan kirinya, well tetep kaya 3 taun yg lalu. suaranya berubah, iya sih ya, kan udah sma. dulu masih smp, tp falsetnya tetep. suaranya masih merdu, lembut, improvenya keren, gayanya makin keren. subhanallah.

dan itu ngangenin. banget :'))))))))

dia kemaren nyanyi harmoni. persis kaya 3 taun yang lalu waktu dia masih di ic juga nyanyi harmoni sambil diiringi kak oni. bedanya kalo dulu dia nyanyi sendiri, kemaren dia nyanyi sama lintar.

well, berkaca-kaca jadinya.

setelah 3 taun nahan kangen ga karuan, akhirnya kemaren ngeliat dia juga.

apa lagi ya?

intinya, histeria saya kemaren di twitter berasa balik 3 taun yg lalu. jiwa rise saya berasa balik lagi. berasa flashback kaya dulu waktu masih rame-rame bareng di twitter sama rise. spam pas ultahnya rio tapi sempet berhasil bikin #Rio13thBornDay nangkring di TT worldwide sejam lah. trus annivnya rise juga, sering kita dulu bikin TT pas ultahnya rio sama annivnya rise. beh kangen banget:')))))
bodo amat dibilang spam, 3 TAUN MEN NUNGGUIN RIO, 3 TAUN. lama loh itu.
pokoknya, gabisa digambarin lagi, intinya saya nangis karna nahan kangen. bayangin aja ga liat orang yang udah kita kangenin 3 taun loh. dan akhirnya muncul di tv juga. cuma sebentar sih. tapi, bersyukurlah.

tapi kayanya kemaren itu bukannya terobati malah tambah galau ga karuan. masih kurang puas-___________- bentar banget kemaren itu.

oke post ini memang sedikit alay dan berlebihan, bodo amat. saya emang selalu histeris kalo sudah menyangkut rio. ini cuma bagian kecil dari kehisteriaan saya kemaren.

dammit!pengenketemurio!

iklan rokok

pada tau iklannya surya gudang garam, yg iklan rokok itu pokoknya.
cara, gaya, selera, itu pilihan. karna bersama, gak harus sama. be yourself!

trus ada lagi, iklan rokok juga kalo ga salah
ada dua macam orang, yang hanya bermimpi, dan yang hidup di dalamnya.

i like that words!

aerospace engineering

waha putri amrillia sukses meracuni otak saya dan akhirnya sukses bikin saya jadi pindah haluan.

i belong to language major, especially english, all this times i just addicted to language and art. but when putri amrillia told me about aerospace engineering, i was just changed.

dari dulu saya gaperna tertarik masuk jurusan ipa, dan segalanya yg berhubungan dengan science. especially, engineering major. wuah rasanya otak ini bakal mampet kalo kena sarapan engineering tiap pagi.

tapi putri sukses bikin saya mikir lagi.

saya susah-susah masuk ipa dan nanti kuliah hanya akan ngambil jurusan bahasa? ngambil ipc, bukan ipa? trus buat apa 3 taun ini saya sarapan kimia bio fisika yg bikin sel-sel otak hampir rapuh semua-_-

kalo saya sudah terlanjur ke ipa, kenapa gak saya terusin ipa juga? kan emaaaaaan. jadinya saya langsung ngubah mindset, bukan bahasa lagi yg saya incer. sekarang ngincer "teknik".

teknik apa?

dunno. sempet kepikiran teknik informatika, teknik elektro, teknik fisika...

and finally putri amrillia told me that she wanna goes to aerospace engineering major. a.k.a in indonesia is teknik penerbangan.

no no, jangan berpikiran ini sekolah buat jadi pilot. bukan, bukan. ini pembuat mesinnya. merancang, analisa, desain, struktur mesin, dan semacamnya. kaya pak habibie lah.

dan saya langsung tertarik puuuuut!

ngeliat kondisi keuangan indonesia sekarang ini miris, pesawat tempur bekas, kalo ga gitu ya impor dr negara lain. ngabis-ngabisin duit. saya pengen bikin pesawat tempur buat indonesia. pesawat-pesawat canggih lainnya, biar ga kalah sama amerika!

at last, but not least, why do i wanna go to aerospace engineering?

because they ain't gonna create themselves.

bulpen dan stipo

bulpen gabisa dipaksa buat nyetipo.
stipo juga gabisa dipaksa buat jadi bulpen.
bulpen ya bulpen. stipo ya stipo.
tapi stipo ga ada gunanya kalo ga ada bulpen. dan bulpen juga butuh stipo buat ngehapus tulisan.

aku ya aku. kamu ya kamu. gabisa dipaksa buat bisa jadi satu sama lain.

buat bisa menyatukan banyak hal, itu ga perlu dengan cara menjadi 'sama' semua.
hujan sama panas aja dua hal yang bener-bener bertolak belakang, dan gabisa di'samai'n satu sama lain.
tapi hujan butuh panas, panas juga butuh hujan. sama kayak teori stipo dan bulpen tadi.

hmm, mungkin kita emang belom kompak, belom bisa bersatu. mungkin kita belom bisa paham gimana cara menyatukan tiap-tiap individu kita yg beda satu sama lain.
biar kita bisa bersatu, caranya ga dengan maksain perbedaan-perbedaan tadi biar bisa jadi sama.
caranya itu melengkapi perbedaan, bukan menyamakannya.
saya gabisa maksa orang lain buat ikutan saya, karena org lain ga akan pernah bisa disamakan, atau dipaksa jadi saya.

seharusnya kita sama-sama bisa ngerti, paham, dan melengkapi perbedaan.
jangan saling menyalahkan, lebih baik masing-masing ngaca lah.

oiya, ini bukan sok bijak, bukan sok suci, bukan berarti aku ga seperti itu juga. kan sudah ku bilang, lebih baik masing-masing ngaca lah

nb: ini bukan sindiran, ini argumen.

langit dan bumi

kenapa saya pengagum langit?

karena langit itu kaya Tuhan. Tuhan itu ada diatas, dan ga akan perna ninggalin kita. sama kaya langit, ada diatas, dan ga akan perna ninggalin kita, karena kita hidup di bawahnya.

saya juga punya mimpi setinggi langit, biar kalo jatuh, saya bakal jatuh diatas awan yg empuk, dan ga akan takut buat bermimpi yg tinggi lagi.

langit juga ga punya batas. ibarat kalo kita punya mimpi, bermimpilah sampe kalian nemuin batasnya langit, maka kalian ga akan perna nemuin batasnya. jadi maksudnya, kita bisa mimpi dengan bebas, sebanyak, setinggi, dan seluas mungkin.

meski saya pengagum langit, saya tetep cinta bumi, saya masih nginjek tanah, bukan melayang di udara. karna gravitasi saya kuat, jadi saya gak jadi orang yang hidupnya diatas, amin.

karena itu saya maniak banget sama langit.

banyak orang selalu pake perbandingan langit dan bumi. seakan-akan langit  itu buagus, dan bumi itu juelek. salah besar. bumi itu bagus kok, indah malah. coba lihat dari atas, pasti terkagum-kagum sama bumi, rumput hijau, laut biru, gunung, danau warna-warni. jadi ga selamanya bumi itu jelek. dan langit, ga selamanya juga indah. gimana kalo langitnya lagi mendung? gelap, hitem, kayak mau badai, trus ada awan cumulonimbus. ngeri juga kan? karena itu, apa yg udah dilabelkan seperti itu, ga selamanya bakalan seperti itu.

sama kayak hidup. hidup itu gabisa dilabelkan a, belum tentu nanti bakalan a. bisa aja jadi b, c, bahkan d sampe z. hidup itu ga selamanya bahagia, bisa aja sedih, marah, dan bisa jadi bahagia lagi.

kita butuh bermacam-macam label buat bisa ngegambarin sesuatu.

ironiss

rasanya pengen nulis surat, numpahin semua unek-unek tentang abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz yang kependem sendiri. orang lain ga akan ngerti, cuma bisa menilai tanpa memahami sisi tersebut. gapapa, emang gak seharusnya mereka bisa ngerti.

tapi rasanya tuh kayak kita ngelakuin sesuatu ada alasan. sayangnya orang lain ga akan pernah ngerti alasan kita dan ga akan pernah memahami alasan itu. gimana pun caranya, mereka ga akan ngerti. yah, cuma kita sendiri yang tau.

makanya pengen nulis di surat, trus nanti kalo aku mati, baru orang lain bakal nemuin surat itu dan akhirnya ngerti semuanya. eh tapi ya kalo suratnya ditemuin sih, kalo gak ditemuin ya aku bakal mati dalam keadaan orang lain ga akan pernah ngerti alasanku.

ironis.

out of the brain

pernah mengkhayal gak? pasti pernah kan ya. pernah denger statement kaya gini, "love is when i'm in a fairytale of us because i think of you every second i have."

yah pasti pernah kan mengkhayal sesuatu konyol, bodoh, stupid, bego, dan ga akan terjadi istilahnya. misal aku lagi mbayangin gimana kalo nanti aku gini, gitu, eh tapi faktanya yg terjadi adalah malah temenku yang gini gitu tadi. pas aku mau protes ke Allah, kenapa Allah ngerubah imajinasiku, eh ternyata keesokan harinya fakta yg terjadi beda lagi. semacam Allah gak ngerestui apa yg lagi tak imajinasikan dan malah membelokkan imajinasiku ke hal-hal lain yg sumpah sama sekali gaperna terduga di otakku. blas.

kenapa ya? ini gak diridhoi sama Allah ya? kok hal-hal baru selama ini sama sekali diluar pemikiranku. sekarang aku jadi percaya statement kaya gini, "seindah-indahnya kita punya rencana, masih jauh lebih indah rencana Allah." jadi aku bakal nunggu rencana yg lagi Allah persiapkan. saya percaya itu. kenapa Allah ngebikin semua hal di luar otakku ini kan pasti ada alasan.

how wonderful our plan, but God's plan is the most.

langit dan Tuhan

ku coba bertanya pada manusia tak ada jawabnya
aku bertanya pada langit tua langit tak mendengar -Noah, Langit Tak Mendengar

waktu kita udah gatau mesti ngomong sama siapa lagi, waktu kita udah bener-bener ngerasa sepi dan sendiri, waktu kita udah gapunya siapa pun yang bisa kita percaya, dan waktu kita udah bener-bener gatau mesti ngapain, lagunya Noah yang itu ngingetin saya loh, secara ga langsung.

Tuhan itu ada diatas. satu-satunya yang kita punya dan ga akan ninggalin kita. sama kaya langit, ada diatas, dan langit ga akan perna ninggalin kita, karna kita hidup di bawahnya. jadi maksud lagu ini adalah, ketika kita udah bener-bener terpuruk dan ga ada satu orang pun yang bisa kita percaya, masih ada Tuhan.

langit itu benda mati. paling ga enak kayanya ngomong sama benda mati. karna sama aja kaya kita ngomong sendiri, tanpa ada yg peduli dan ngerespon, apalagi kasih solusi. bahkan kalo kita udah sangat terpuruk, sampe-sampe benda mati kaya langit pun ga mau dengerin kita.

jadi coba berkaca..

dan saat itulah kita akan berpikir lagi, langit bukannya tidak mendengar kita, hanya kita mesti berkaca dulu aja.

got'imbck

setelah satu tahun lebih lamanya, he is back. btw setahun itu lama nggak sih? lama kan ya?
ya selama setahun itu aku kenal sama seseorang yang bukan dia di depanku. even though i stand in front of him, like he never realizes that i was there at that time.
bukan never realize sih, but pretend not realize.

kaya dia selalu menghindar. kaya dia berusaha gimana caranya biar ga ada kontak sama aku. dan semacamnya lah. dan itu ngebuat saya wuh gabisa digambarin gimana rasanya. semacam perang batin, and hurt ofcourse.
tapi seiring berjalannya waktu, God always gives the best thing at the best time, right?
yeah! ya yang begini ini ni! being real. feeling cozy. no more pretend. no more hurt. i got him back!

no more awkward moment when i was trying to talk anything to him. unlike before, just for calling his name, take a great courage for me not to feel awkward. especially if he's calling my name, feelin awkward at all. but now, no more fuckin feeling like that. just get laugh and laugh together.

yang kaya begini ini yang saya pengeni. yah walopun dia masih sering kumat dan bikin bdmd. juga masih sangat unpredictable. rada' aneh, tapi saya seneng kok kaya begini ini. no more hurt. no more tears. no more pretend.

although i have no longer more feeling to him. not anymore. haha

perangdingin~

perang dingin itu perangnya orang dewasa.

diem. seakan ga terjadi apa-apa. padahal ada apa-apa.

cukup bikin luka di dalem. karena yg ngerasain itu batin kita. bukan perang fisik, ataupun adu mulut. bukan. ya diem aja gitu. sampe berhari-hari bahkan.

kayanya lebih baik perangnya anak kecil. marahan sama temennya. berantem, ejek-ejekan, trus nangis, trus temenan lagi. selesai. clear.

kalo perang dingin ya diem, ga saling sapa, marahan, dipendem sendiri, nangis sendiri, selesai nangis, nangis lagi, sakitnya di dalem, lebih nyesek, nggak plong, nggak bisa dilampiaskan. dan keadaan seperti itulah yg bisa bikin orang depresi. stress. trus ada niatan pengen mati.

sadis ya. padahal perangnya ga ngapa-ngapain, cuma diem.

dan untuk bisa ngelarin perang itu, caranya cuma satu. salah satu dari pihak yg lagi perang kudu ada yg berani mulai duluan, setidaknya ngerubah suasana lah biar adem dikit. tapi untuk ngelakuin itu emang susah. karena orang dewasa itu justru gengsinya selangit. egonya gede.

repot. mending jadi anak kecil ya? hidup gak ribet.

ya gak?

time by time

review-ing semua postingan dari awal aku bikin blog sampe sekarang.
lucu.
dulu tata bahasaku masih nggak karuan. but now, i have some progresses lah =))
dulu curcolanku puanjang lebar. maklum masih ga punya malu =))
dulu sering bgt nyampah ga jelas. masih belom bisa nempatin diri di situasi yg tepat untuk nulis =))
dulu kayanya bukan saya banget =))

intinya, dulu beda bgt sama sekarang. yah, waktu pasti ngebawa kita pada perubahan kan?
dan apa yg saya tulis sekarang ini, bisa jadi lucu juga nantinya kalo dibaca pas satu atau dua tahun ke depan. pas waktu udah berubah, udah bukan sekarang lagi. pas aku udah ngalami progress lebih lanjut. pas aku bakal bilang lagi kalo "ini bukan saya banget."
ya, kita kan nggak tau apa yg bakal terjadi next year. berubah itu pasti.

but the most important thing is, keep go ahead. changing without progress is useless. isn't it?

judge me

wise man once said, "don't judge a book by its cover."
it means, you have to know it first, then you may judge it later.

lilbit strange for me. why should somebody lets the other person to know how his truly life. how his habits. who he is within.
i mean, is it alright, if you let the other person get to know you closer? knowing your life? stalk what you did?
definitely not. not at all.

if i may say, my life is not yours. and it's not your business. everyone just needs to know me, but they don't have to really know who i am. inside.

so, what i'm going to say is, "you don't need to know who really i am. simply, please judge me. it's your right."

love in life

"life is like a box of chocolate. you never know what you're gonna get." -Forrest Gump

it means, you'll never know what chocolate will you get before you open it. and you'll never know what taste will you get before you taste it.

love also can be defined as such.
between life and love, has always have a connection. it's absolute. and it can't be denied.
i prefer to define love like that. not poetic words. not a phrase. not a play on words.
but which i define, is a FACT.

that's love in life. fit the fact.

errrrr

people who ever come in my life, many of them were wearing masks. no one has the mask in front of me, some are only open when behind me. even some that haven't been open at all masks.
but sometimes, some of them are masked successfully disrupt my life. sometimes we meet a lot of fuckin' people. they're really suck!

when the time come, i hope that i'll just realize that they're nothing compared to us.