joking

re-read my super upset and messed post made me so asdfghjkl.
feels like i m a bad person. creepy. desperate. indeed.

but better being tha bad one and not hurting my self than being the good one but people can easily hurt me.

to become a strong and powerful person, you have to be a bad man, not batman. beacuse good man will easy to be kicked, being blamed, and all another suffer things.
but keep the good inside yours. and only those who you let knows the good in you.

that post made me realize that at that time i was so really really upset. being fucked up by everything, and only the desperate people can understand how it feels. if anybody read that post, only few can describe how my emotion controlled me at that moment. how the devils inside me scream outloud and force me to write all terrible things. how bad i was.

but now i m fine. thx.

really.
i laugh myself how can i write such terrible post, blaming other's life and acclaim mine was so mean so much while others not.
i really really made a mistake.
or maybe made a joke.
its not like meee.
but wait, yes its me. in the dark side.

but well don't wanna discuss it anymore, also don't wanna delete that post because it slaps me everytime i read it that i was so being a bad person that time. let it reminds me that i was at the worst situation. let it be me.

now i m fine.

sitting in my chair staring at a pc in front of me and alone.
YAA SEMUANYA LAGI ST DAN PAK KASI LAGI RAPAT AND I WAS ALL ALONE. AND FREEZING. THOUGH THE TERM IS SET 28C.

but then my kasi came. and mas anu also came.
freezed at the moment. again. really.
beku ditempat.
dikunjungi orang ganteng.
lebih tepatnya, orang ganteng ngunjungin kasiku exactly.

then pak zain also came. and my kasi and pak zain was talking or discussing or debating about woman. nice.
and there they are still joking inside my kasi's room.

then i wrote this.

happiness

people think what they want to think. people write what they want to write.
how i write you in my story is the same way you write me in yours. the point is same but with different way of delivering, it makes difference. different me, different you.
we all have problems. all of us always thought that ours is harder than others. whether it's true or not, doesn't matter anymore. even the award for the hardest of all goes to you, this life is not a contest and doesn't give a reward. so stop blaming yourself and acclaim that your life soooo desperate and deserve to be pitied for.

why me so proud of my desperate life?
me is sick. for so long time. maybe words won't heal.

but, his words do.

dewasa dalam kebahagiaan iku luwih enak to ran, it heals. it slaps me that desperate is not the only thing i can proud of. human brain is designed to easily remember things that make hurt. but the point is, you choose to hurt, or not.

i used to. i did. but, i learnt from it.

hurt wont last forever. things that desgined to be broken will broke at its time and new ones recover it.
sun will rise. unsaid promise spoken. teardrops end (not really haha).

every story has a happy ending, if it didn't, it's not the ending yet.
so do mine. life moves on, cant stay with the same hurt.

happiness is a choice, not a result. dont expect it, choose it.

limit

when you're feelin like you're so far away trying and hardworking until there comes the time when you don't even wanna try anymore, you just too much tired of hoping and struggling, and you guess you've reached your final limit of you, that's not actually yours.
when you think you've faced your limit, actually you just broke your walls and the new long high way appeared there. there's no limit on you like such guess.
you never really face your limit.

or,
you never have that limit.
don't limit on things. it sucks. feels like you really wanted to stop.

but wise man once said, when you're about to stop, remember why you started.

as same as when you're about to face your limit, remember you never have that limit so you don't have any reason to stop.

it just,
..
don't limit on things.

hah!

kita deket, tapi aku gaperna bisa bener-bener jangkau kamu. atau lebih tepatnya kamu yang gamau aku jangkau.

kamu gagal move on, aku juga gagal move on.
aku pengennya sama kamu, kamu pengennya sama dia.
aku butuhnya kamu, kamu butuhnya dia.

kata remi di perahu kertas 2, "cari orang yang bisa kasi kamu segala-galanya, apapun itu, tanpa harus kamu minta," trus kugy nya jawab, "ya itu kamu orangnya rem," trus remi bales lagi lebih nyesek, "ya mungkin kamu udah nemu orangnya, aku yang belom,"
well, remi itu aku disitu.
dan ada quote lagi, "cari orang yang ga butuh apa-apa dari kamu tapi kamu rela ngasi segalanya buat dia,"
itu baru kamu orangnya.

kudunya kita bisa nyambung kan ya dari kedua quote itu. tapi ya, ga semua cerita punya happy ending. emangnya dongeng? ya ini hidup bro, realita itu kejem.

kenyataan yang terjadi sampai saat ini adalah, aku gamau move on dari kamu, tapi kamu juga gamau move on dari dia.
hah gitu aja terus sampe metallica rilis album religi.

trimakasih dari pajak b

bagian paling gaenak tuh memulai sama mengakhiri.

ketemu sama orang-orang baru. asing. gak nyaman.
tapi kemudian mulai terbiasa karna tiap hari punya kebiasaan yang sama. akhirnya jadi nyaman.
dan kalo udah nyaman, susaah rasanya pengen pisah.

tadi pertemuan terakhir kup sama bu ambar.
hah!
nulis ini nahan nyesek asli. masih kerasa nyeseknya pas farewell party tadi di kelas.
berasa masa sma keulang lagi. pas mau pisah guru2 ya pada gini ini. bikin kita semua nangis nyesek di kelas. dan ini kuliah keulang lagi. padahal tak kira setelah lulus sma ga akan ada pisah-pisah yg bikin nyesek lagi. ya secara kan kuliah beda sama sma.

tapi di stan kagak. kita ga kayak kuliah malah, masih kayak anak sekolah.
tiap hari masuk set8 pulang siang kadang sampe sore. tiap hari ada di kelas yang sama bareng anak-anak yang sama pula. dosen-dosennya pun kebanyakan masih kayak guru sma, ga kayak dosen anak kuliahan, apalagi bu ambar. duuh.

sem2 uda ga ada kup lagi sih, ga diajar bu ambar lagi:( yaampuuun sayaaaaang banget sama bu ambar. apalagi pesen-pesennya bu ambar tadi, kata-katanya, pas meluk kita satu-satu..aaaaaaa..

btw tadi juga terakhir barengan di kelas sama pajak b. sem2 kelasnya diacak:(
besok mfd aja, ga ada kelas. jadi tadi terakhir karna besok senen udah uas dan ga akan ada pelajaran sem1 lagi sampe liburan..masuk..trus pisah kelas..

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

asli ga pengen pisah. saya udah nyaman. tragedi sama x-1 dulu keulang lagi..

ya ini yang saya bilang diatas tadi, bagian paling gaenak tuh memulai dan mengakhiri.

dulu pas awal-awal pembagian kelas juga masi gaenak. sama kayak pertama kali bu ambar ngajar.
tapi lama-lama nyamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan bgt. pajak b sama bu ambar sama-sama bikin nyaman.
emang paling enak tuh lagi ada di tengah-tengah, nikmati nyaman, nikmati hidup, bahagia, nerusin apa yg uda ada, nglanjutin dan mertahanin apa yg uda dibangun.
tapi endingnya bakal ketemu akhir juga. well, pisah.

ini bagian yg saya takutin tiap kali ketemu orang baru.
pisah.

kalo uda nyaman, pisah itu susah. nyesek.

well, trimakasih bu ambar, have a lot to say but just make it easy, we love you. really love you. and always will be. Allah bless us all, bu. semoga kita masih diberi kesempatan untuk dipertemukan lagi nanti di tengah jalan saat kami sedang mendaki menuju sukses. sukses buat ibu:')