joking

re-read my super upset and messed post made me so asdfghjkl.
feels like i m a bad person. creepy. desperate. indeed.

but better being tha bad one and not hurting my self than being the good one but people can easily hurt me.

to become a strong and powerful person, you have to be a bad man, not batman. beacuse good man will easy to be kicked, being blamed, and all another suffer things.
but keep the good inside yours. and only those who you let knows the good in you.

that post made me realize that at that time i was so really really upset. being fucked up by everything, and only the desperate people can understand how it feels. if anybody read that post, only few can describe how my emotion controlled me at that moment. how the devils inside me scream outloud and force me to write all terrible things. how bad i was.

but now i m fine. thx.

really.
i laugh myself how can i write such terrible post, blaming other's life and acclaim mine was so mean so much while others not.
i really really made a mistake.
or maybe made a joke.
its not like meee.
but wait, yes its me. in the dark side.

but well don't wanna discuss it anymore, also don't wanna delete that post because it slaps me everytime i read it that i was so being a bad person that time. let it reminds me that i was at the worst situation. let it be me.

now i m fine.

sitting in my chair staring at a pc in front of me and alone.
YAA SEMUANYA LAGI ST DAN PAK KASI LAGI RAPAT AND I WAS ALL ALONE. AND FREEZING. THOUGH THE TERM IS SET 28C.

but then my kasi came. and mas anu also came.
freezed at the moment. again. really.
beku ditempat.
dikunjungi orang ganteng.
lebih tepatnya, orang ganteng ngunjungin kasiku exactly.

then pak zain also came. and my kasi and pak zain was talking or discussing or debating about woman. nice.
and there they are still joking inside my kasi's room.

then i wrote this.

happiness

people think what they want to think. people write what they want to write.
how i write you in my story is the same way you write me in yours. the point is same but with different way of delivering, it makes difference. different me, different you.
we all have problems. all of us always thought that ours is harder than others. whether it's true or not, doesn't matter anymore. even the award for the hardest of all goes to you, this life is not a contest and doesn't give a reward. so stop blaming yourself and acclaim that your life soooo desperate and deserve to be pitied for.

why me so proud of my desperate life?
me is sick. for so long time. maybe words won't heal.

but, his words do.

dewasa dalam kebahagiaan iku luwih enak to ran, it heals. it slaps me that desperate is not the only thing i can proud of. human brain is designed to easily remember things that make hurt. but the point is, you choose to hurt, or not.

i used to. i did. but, i learnt from it.

hurt wont last forever. things that desgined to be broken will broke at its time and new ones recover it.
sun will rise. unsaid promise spoken. teardrops end (not really haha).

every story has a happy ending, if it didn't, it's not the ending yet.
so do mine. life moves on, cant stay with the same hurt.

happiness is a choice, not a result. dont expect it, choose it.